There are some things about life that completely fascinate me. Life is truly ‘full of surprises’ as cliché as that sounds.
Today I write this post as a final pregnancy update and some of this update may even surprise you (those that have followed our pregnancy stories).
As I wrote about in my last blog post, we had my cerclage stitches removed about 3 weeks ago (at 36 weeks gestation). They were able to get the stitches out but it wasn’t without some extra pain for me and effort for the Doctor. I had the ‘McDonald’ style stitch placed around my 15th week of pregnancy to keep my cervix closed to prevent the early dilation and ultimately the preterm labor I had with Thor which kept me bed ridden for 2 months before delivering him.
This stitch with the combination of weekly shots to stop preterm labor resulted in a MUCH different pregnancy…..one with many less complications. I am so thankful for that.
When they remove a ‘McDonald’ cerclage stitch it is done in the office during your regular OB exam. It is removed without pain medications as it is typically not a big deal to remove and is more uncomfortable than painful. The issue with mine was that over the months it had been doing its job ‘holding my cervix in place’ it also did some ‘embedding’ into the tissue. Without going into any more detail they simply had to get a little more aggressive with getting my stitch to detach. This was hard on me but thankfully the pain subsided shortly after and resulted in cramping and uterine discomfort for a little while but nothing unbearable.
Thankfully the whole thing only took about 5 minutes total…..but it felt like 5 hours at some points. I hesitated to share this as I would not want to scare anyone else who has one currently or who is considering one as I think they are a great option for certain scenarios even though the removal was harder than we thought for me. Although mine came out rough, it would not have swayed my decision to not have it placed when we did. And remember, what happened to me is not the norm, thankfully.
When the stitch was finally out they immediately checked for dilation and my cervix was still closed at that point.
Before having my stitch removed they did a full ultrasound scan/body measurement of the baby to ensure they were comfortable with the size before taking it out. It is not common for women to immediately go into labor after the removal but it does happen sometimes and they wanted to make sure there were no concerns with size or development of the baby as they could have opted to keep it in another week if concerns arose.
During that ultrasound the baby’s body was measuring around 40 weeks and the head was measuring around 42 weeks (remember I was at 36wks exactly that day)……..Yes- I did say 42 weeks for head size. They estimated the weight at 36 weeks to be around 8lbs.
This instantly made this momma a little nervous not so much the weight but most definitely about the head size. After seeing this, the doctors were very ‘okay’ with removing the stitches as you can imagine.
Fast forward to my 38 week checkup which was 2 weeks later. They found that I was 3cm dilated and 75% effaced. I was shocked because I hadn’t been feeling much of any activity and figured they would tell me I was not dilated at all.
I was relieved to hear that there was progression as they were not sure how easily I would be able to progress with the baby’s head appearing to be so large as they did not know if it would be able to correctly engage my cervix.
Basically what happened is that my stitches worked just as they were supposed to holding my cervix high and shut. As the stitches were doing their job, the baby was growing higher into my pelvis. Because baby has apparently been growing a larger head I have carried it higher into my pelvis because it could not drop as low like Thor was able to which lead to my preterm labor.
During the 38 week appointment they did another growth scan to see if baby was still tracking to be larger. During this scan the body was measuring an average of about 1 week ahead of schedule (which was much better than the last scan) but the head was quote ‘off the charts’ meaning the ultrasound machine did not have a gestational week to attach to the head size as it stops reading at the 42-43 week mark so we were looking at a head in the 100th percentile just like a couple of weeks before.
If you are curious, I did have them look at the head and brain closely to ensure there was no concern with extra fluid being present. The great news was that everything is completely normal. The larger head is simply genetic and comes from daddy.
This was also the appointment that the word ‘induction’ came up. This is a word that I thought would never EVER be brought up in any of my pregnancies because of all the preterm labor with Thor but here we were…..discussing it.
They will not induce until you are at least 39 weeks along unless there is a medical emergency tied to the baby or the momma.
There is much ‘opinion’ tied around the option of induction for a situation like ours because we do not have an ‘emergency’ present, we just simply have a large headed child (more than likely).
Many individuals do not feel this is a good enough reason to induce…..but when you are the lady carrying the potentially large headed child let me tell you…..you may be a little more interested in talking about it…..especially when you really want to vaginally deliver.
I will mention that our doctors were very supportive of us considering induction but were not in any way ‘pushy’ about it. We were not pressured into our ultimate decision in any way but very much supported.
Long story short- after much thought and prayer we did ultimately decide to schedule an induction for tomorrow Thursday, Feb 6th. I will be officially 39 weeks and 2 days. Because my cervix is progressing on its own we decided instead of letting our sweetie’s head continue to get bigger and bigger in mommy that we would try induction to help me hopefully have a vaginal delivery. Our plan is not to get super aggressive with medications and take the ‘slowest’ route possible as we work through the induction tomorrow for my bodies sake.
The doctors are not 100% sure that I will be able to deliver vaginally if the head is in fact as big as it appears in the scans ( as these scan can obviously be incorrect to some degree) so we know that a c section could be possible with or without induction.
I would really like to try a vaginal delivery again as I had a very good experience with Thor’s even though he too had a large head but I have learned that flexibility is key in pregnancy. Even when things do not go as I would ‘plan’ ultimately getting the baby here healthy is the goal. I am willing to do whatever I can to make that happen.
This past Monday the 3rd I had the doctor’s strip my membranes. So far this procedure has not put me into active labor but I do hope it continues to progress my cervical changes before our big day tomorrow. I have had some symptoms from it that seem to be aiding in some sort of progression although all out contractions have not started.
If you think of us this tomorrow (Thursday) please pray for safety for baby and I. I am not sure I actually like knowing when my baby will likely be born. It is weird and keeps me up at night. I also find myself feeling very emotional knowing that my belly will be gone in a matter of days/hours. I am very uncomfortable but I also love being pregnant and I tend to get very sentimental about it. I know that God will be with us giving us strength and guidance in all decisions that will be made tomorrow.
I want to mention that there is a chance we could still get bumped off the schedule tomorrow if there are a lot of emergencies going on but otherwise they will be calling us between 5 and 7am tomorrow morning to let us know when to show up to get this ‘show on the road’.
Eeeekkkk
Michael and I went on our final ‘date before baby’ on Monday night and we talked so much about our journey to our family and everything we have been through. We feel like we have seen so many different scenarios filled with pure joy, devastation, confusion and about every other emotion….many situations so very opposite of the one before that we could never anticipate how to react or feel about them until we were sitting right in the middle of the situations having to make hard decisions. We have had to make so many decisions that have been hard not only in this pregnancy but in others. I feel like I have had SOOO many different procedures, pokes, prods that I could write a book…..seriously.
Even though things have not always been easy we wouldn’t change this for the world. Tomorrow we will embark on another ‘first’ with an induction. Although this is not how we ideally wanted to see my labor start we do feel it is the best option for me and baby after weighing all scenarios. We are praying it is slower and steady and that I can do it!
We are so very excited to meet our little one and share the news with everyone! I can’t wait to know if I will be the momma of 2 boys or the momma or a boy and a girl! Much excitement, nervousness and anticipation in our house today.
Thanks so much for praying us through these months. The end is near and we look forward to welcoming this blessing into our family very soon! Please lift us up in your prayers tomorrow and the days to follow if you think of it.
Wednesday, February 5, 2014
Monday, January 13, 2014
Looking Back and Looking Ahead.....
Hi Everyone! Long time no talk. I thought I would catch everyone up on how things are going here at the Stensrud house with baby and our D-Day drawing near.
First off, praise be to God for His faithfulness in leading us on this journey to building our family. In both the joy and the heartache we have endured, these situations have been molding us into the people God created us to be and He is using these situations to refine our faith.
We are so grateful for this opportunity to carry another child. To those who have been faithfully lifting us up on our journey to a family of 4, it may sound so simple but ‘thank you’. This is our 5th pregnancy and 6th child to carry in my womb and this has by far been the most peaceful pregnancy I have experienced.
I know it is because of prayer.
There have been so many people, even people I don’t know well who have informed us that they have been faithfully praying for us, some people even saying it is a part of their daily prayer routine.
Wow.
Don’t get me wrong, there have been moments of fear and questioning during this pregnancy but overall I feel that God has been putting a peace in my heart that acts like aloe on my scars from past hurt and disappointment.
Since having my cerclage stitches place around my 15th week of pregnancy things have really turned a positive corner and I have experienced a very different pregnancy than with Thor’s. As I wrote about previously, we decided to do the cerclage placement as well as weekly shots of progesterone to aide in keeping preterm labor at bay and my cervix closed. These two things combined with a low key lifestyle have gotten me to 35w 6d gestation with no bed rest. What an incredible blessing. I know this is all God and an answer to endless prayers.
I am overwhelmed to think that at this point in Thor’s pregnancy I would have been on bed rest for SEVEN weeks.
I cannot begin to explain how different pregnancy is when you do not have to spend hundreds of hours for weeks on end on a couch or in bed compare to living a normal life. Believe me, I would do months of bed rest again to bring a healthy child into this world but what an amazing experience it is to get to do the ‘normal’ things in life like get up and go to work, be with my family, and attend church each week etc. I can definitely tell you it is also much better mentally than the later. I truly never thought I would get to experience pregnancy without the several weeks of bed rest.
So what is going on at this point you ask?
TOMORROW I am schedule get my cervical stitches removed. Whoa! I will be 36 weeks along and at this point they will not stop my labor should my body decide it is time from this point forward. They said it is not typical to go into labor immediately after these are removed so I do not anticipate the baby arriving immediately but you never know. Such a surreal feeling to know how close we really are.
Our bags are packed and loaded and the infant car seat all hooked up in the car. It is weird to imagine that seat being taken up by another family member. I find myself looking at it in my rear view mirror a lot imagining the little life that will fill it. It has also been really good for Thor to see these things around the house. He has had a lot of questions about the baby’s car seat and why there is a baby swing in our living room again. He likes to put his stuffed animals in them for now.
Even with the removal of my stitches tomorrow, I could have this baby very soon or who knows… maybe I will carry all the way to term? Time will tell. My thoughts about having this baby are so different this time. I am much less worried (possibly because I have done this before) and the thought of having to carry to 40 week + does not bother me. Because we have experienced so much loss I am trying to be much more intentional about being in the moment and not wishing time away….I’m just enjoying the present.
Does my back hurt? Yes.
Is it hard to get out of bed most mornings? Yes.
Do I wish I could do more wrestling with my little boy right now? Yes.
Even with all of that is still worth it? Absolutely.
Even with all the aches and pains that come with the gift of pregnancy, I know how short this season in life really is. I don’t know if I will ever find myself back in this same position again. Pregnancy is a beautiful gift that I have spent so many hours praying for that I will not spend time wishing it away because it is fleeting moment of time that I will miss if I do not enjoy it. It is a blessing to be taken seriously.
Now…..what about postpartum depression and anxiety you say? For those who read our blog after Thor was born you know I experienced these things to the max. You are welcomed to go back and read all about it if you aren’t familiar with that situation. It was an incredibly difficult and dark time in my life when for obvious reasons I desperately wanted to be happy.
Am I worried about that happening again this time around? Sort of but also much better equipt…
What I love about God is that he will speak a Word to me a lot of times when I don’t expect it….. and right when I need to hear it….. even though I may not realize I need to hear it.
We are studying the book of Romans in our church right now. During our study this past Sunday morning our Pastor, Pat Nemmers, brought in the following verse for one of his talking points. This just happened to be the vary verse God needed me to hear. I know it because it hit me like a semi-truck when he read it. This is the verse I will hold closely to my heart as I learn to be a mother of 2 children. Sort of like my ‘life verse’ for this phase I am entering.
2 Corinthians 12:9
9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.
I love this verse, I feel like it is what my heart wants to say but I didn’t know how to find the words.
I remember feeling very weak, broken and inadequate when I was in the deepest part of my postpartum anxiety.
This time around I will focus and put more of an emphasis on the grace that God has given me to get through each day so that his power can rest upon me when and if I struggle in the circumstances of any given day. He created our child and he created me to be this particular child’s mother I want to embrace that blessing completely.
I do not need to fear. I need to stop trying to control things. Control is something I struggled with after having Thor and is what I used to try to combat my anxiety.
This time, even when the baby is screaming and my almost 2 year old wants something ‘on demand’, I will remember the power of Christ that is in me and resting upon me, take a deep breath, and do the best that I can in those moments.
God never promised an easy life and he never promised parenting would be easy just because I love Him, but he did promise to walk with me each day. If I am seeking him and his wisdom he will help me be a way better parent with Him than without Him. I want to do a better job of loving my children through the eyes of Christ like he loves me.
Of course, I don’t know what the future holds. I don’t know if I will suffer from PPD or PPA again but if I do, I know that Christ will be walking me through those beautiful struggles refining me as I go through the good and the bad days. It doesn’t make sense to worry about it.
This gives me peace. I believe I will do much better this time around.
Should I go through postpartum issues again, I will live through it just like I did before and will come out on the other side with many solid learning experiences.
Instead of trying to get out or around those unfortunate circumstances should they come my way again… I will chose to rest in the grace of God and walk through the fire with him….hand in hand.
Worry is an easy thing to do and the hardest thing to combat but I will fight it. Amazingly, as hard as it was experiencing the anxiety last time, there were things that I learned through it that I would have never learned without it. I refuse to walk away from those lessons without allowing myself to learn something from them.
Anyways, we will let you know when this little baby decides to come and we look forward to introducing him or her to the world!
Thanks so much for uplifting us and we ask for continued prayer not only in the safe delivery of this little life but also that God would empower us as we learn to be a family of four and that His hand would be leading and guiding our family where he wants us to go.
P.S.
If you are struggling with infertility, miscarriage, still birth, postpartum depression or anxiety etc…. and do not know who to reach out to for prayer please email me. God never wanted us to face our issues alone. I would love to pray for you like many people have prayed for us when we could not pray ourselves. You can email those requests at daniellestensrud@gmail.com.
Tuesday, August 20, 2013
An Unexpected Blessing
Since we have shared all of our pregnancy stories through our blog I figured I probably should not stop now. Not that I think everyone is super interested in the back story behind our pregnancies but mainly because with each pregnancy we have experienced difficultly of some sort and I truly feel that the power of prayer has been such a huge healer and has led us to where we are today....... expecting baby #2!
For all of you that have faithfully been lifting us up throughout the past years, 'Thank You'. It is those of you that I want to hear this story. I want you to know those times you have spent bringing us before the Lord were not in vain. Prayer works!
In case you missed it on Facebook below is what I am writing about today :)
If you read my last post than you know our most recent miscarriage happened this past March. After we got through that DnC we made the decision we were ready to see a Specialist Doctor to look deeper than we had before on any potential issues we may have that could be leading to our losses which felt as though they were piling up.
We ended up working with Mid-Iowa Fertility, specifically with Doctor Young. We had our first consultation with Dr Young early May. We sat down and went through all of our pregnancy history with him and he came up with some options for us that we could consider pursuing. That day he started by running a series of blood workups on me to double check everything, even those things that had been checked before.
We were also going to have a genetic screening done on Michael and I to see if one of us had a genetic issue that made us more prone to miscarriage. We did not start that process that day as we wanted to ensure it was going to be covered through our insurance.
After my DnC in March, I made a last minute decision to join a 10 week Farrell's Extreme Body Shaping Class. I decided this would be a healthy physical outlet I could focus on for a few months and also something that could help me regain strength and muscle that my body had lost after so many pregnancies.
By the time we started our fertility testing I was over half way through my 10 week program and feeling the healthiest and strongest I have ever felt in my life. This included tightening up my eating habits.
Much to my surprise, when I got my blood test results back from the Fertility Specialist the only thing they found was that I had a gluten sensitivity.......this was shocking and a bit devastating to me. I basically could live off of pasta and bread so I knew this was going to rock my world. The strangest thing about this is that I have absolutely no signs of an allergy including no digestive issues.
I think God placed me in Farrell's to help me remove many of those items from my daily eating to prep me for this news......almost like he was telling me ahead of time 'you can do this Danielle.' This helped me take this news a little better than I probably would before (even though I did not take it all that well).
Back to Farrell's.........
During the time I was in my 10 week session we were honestly not trying to get pregnant. We were in the middle of fertility testing and wanted to get some results on what could be going on before trying again.
Interestingly, during this time I got to thinking about my cycle and realized that I hadn't had my period in a long time......but my irregular and long cycles coupled with the fact I was working out extremely hard 6 days a week didn't leave me with concerns. I just figured that was why I was 'late'.
A week or two passed and then I started to really wonder what was going on. I was about 1 week outside of my Farrell's class at this point and truly expected a period by then. So I took a test not thinking much about it.
Here is what I found.....
I had a left over pregnancy test in my cabinet from our previous pregnancy so I grabbed it and decided to check it out. To be honest, I didn't even mention it to Michael before I took it because I was totally convinced it would be negative. When it was instantly positive my heart stopped for a moment. It was like the best surprise ever. It was such a blessing and an answer to prayer and it was obvious that God's timing was much different than ours but I had so much peace.....it just made so much sense for some reason.
It was so fun to share this news with Michael. He was in the shower and I walked in and said....'Guess what, we are going to have another baby.'
I remember seeing his head pop over the top of the shower curtain with a big smile and he said, 'Are you serious?!' I told him, I was totally serious and all we could do was laugh because we were so shocked and happy at the same time.
That next day I called the Fertility Specialists and told them what was going on and that we would not be moving forward with the genetic screening. At this point, it would not change our situation only explain why we lost so many babies before. I didn't really care to know if there was a problem at that time as it would create more anxiety than help.
This pregnancy has gone so well. I was more nauseated this time than with previous pregnancies and I have also been very tired but I am so blessed to say that I have had no bleeding. This is the first pregnancy I have not had to deal with blood and it has been such a blessing.
Below are some pics of our early ultrasounds.....
Above is a picture of our peanut at 7 weeks. This was our first time hearing it's heart beating and it was awesome.
Above is a picture of a much chubbier peanut at week 9. You can see it has some little arm nubs already. It was amazing because the baby was moving all around in this ultrasound already.
Above is a picture of the baby at 12 weeks. I know it's face looks strange in the front but it had its hand sticking out by it's chin so that is what you are seeing. It was so active the ultrasound tech could barely get a picture. You can see it really grew some legs from the 9 week photo to the 12 week photo.
Right now we are working with a high risk OB. His name is Dr. Neil Mandsager with Mercy and he and his team have been so great and welcoming to Michael and I. I really feel they have been attentive to our situation and are trying to give us the best options possible to bring home a healthly baby in 6 months.
Just yesterday I went in and I had cerclage placement in my cervix. There are many types but we did the McDonald stitch which is one of the least invasive. This is a stitch that holds the cervix together to help avoid preterm dilalation. This will not guarantee I don't have bed rest this time but could possibly help me stay off longer. I had the procedure in a C-section room. It is so weird because you get a spinal like you would in a C-section then you just lay there awake while they do the procedure which only takes about 10 minutes. Thankfully, I had a couple of nurses that were great about keeping the conversation flowing to ease my nerves.
It took me 8 hours to get my spinal to wear off....you could say I got a good one! I also was having trouble urinating after they took my catheter out and I could not leave until that happened. Thankfully after 3 hours and 4 tries......it happened. I'm not sure I have ever been more happy to pee as I almost had to be re-cathed to avoid a distained bladder (sp?). I don't think anyone likes the idea of having another catheter.....:)
For the rest of this week things are all about resting. There is blood and cramping associated with this procedure ( I know I mentioned earlier not having blood this time....I should clarify we have had no blood outside of this procedure). Seeing blood and having cramping is never welcomed while pregnant but thankfully the blood has not scared me. Today the spotting has really tampered off and is getting less and less which is a good sign.
Oddly enough, the thing that is scaring to me the most is the cramping. I have had period style cramping since the procedure but nothing out of the ordinary. I will be honest that it does make me nervous as I fear pre term labor. I should mention period like cramping is normal with these procedures but you always start to wonder what is normal and what is not when you are in the middle of it.
If I have one prayer request right now it would be that my cramping would completely go away. If you think of us tonight, please lift that up for us. Thank you so much!
We get to go back in for a check up and ultrasound this Friday afternoon. I am really hoping for all good news. The Doctor said the cerclage went well and that when he placed it, the cervix looked healthy and whole so that is great!
I will start having shots in my hips every week starting next week. They are going to use progesterone to help me avoid pre term labor. This with the cerclage is about the best they can do for me medically to keep baby inside the longest and hopefully off bed rest longer.
All in all though, this whole thing is in God's hands. He is the ultimate Physician and will take care of us and give us exactly what we need. Whether or not that falls in our 'plans' is yet to be seen. We will be taken care of no matter the result.
Again, thanks for all of your prayers. We continue to pray that this pregnancy would go well and that I heal well from this cerclage procedure. We are thankful for our little 'surprise' and look forward to welcoming this bundle in February!
P.S.
I have not met many people that have had cerclages so if you have and can relate to our story, shoot me an email. It is so nice to hear from others who have walked the road we are currently walking to know how things went for them. I would love to hear your story if you are interested in sharing! :)
Momma and baby during the 14th week!
For all of you that have faithfully been lifting us up throughout the past years, 'Thank You'. It is those of you that I want to hear this story. I want you to know those times you have spent bringing us before the Lord were not in vain. Prayer works!
In case you missed it on Facebook below is what I am writing about today :)
If you read my last post than you know our most recent miscarriage happened this past March. After we got through that DnC we made the decision we were ready to see a Specialist Doctor to look deeper than we had before on any potential issues we may have that could be leading to our losses which felt as though they were piling up.
We ended up working with Mid-Iowa Fertility, specifically with Doctor Young. We had our first consultation with Dr Young early May. We sat down and went through all of our pregnancy history with him and he came up with some options for us that we could consider pursuing. That day he started by running a series of blood workups on me to double check everything, even those things that had been checked before.
We were also going to have a genetic screening done on Michael and I to see if one of us had a genetic issue that made us more prone to miscarriage. We did not start that process that day as we wanted to ensure it was going to be covered through our insurance.
After my DnC in March, I made a last minute decision to join a 10 week Farrell's Extreme Body Shaping Class. I decided this would be a healthy physical outlet I could focus on for a few months and also something that could help me regain strength and muscle that my body had lost after so many pregnancies.
By the time we started our fertility testing I was over half way through my 10 week program and feeling the healthiest and strongest I have ever felt in my life. This included tightening up my eating habits.
Much to my surprise, when I got my blood test results back from the Fertility Specialist the only thing they found was that I had a gluten sensitivity.......this was shocking and a bit devastating to me. I basically could live off of pasta and bread so I knew this was going to rock my world. The strangest thing about this is that I have absolutely no signs of an allergy including no digestive issues.
I think God placed me in Farrell's to help me remove many of those items from my daily eating to prep me for this news......almost like he was telling me ahead of time 'you can do this Danielle.' This helped me take this news a little better than I probably would before (even though I did not take it all that well).
Back to Farrell's.........
During the time I was in my 10 week session we were honestly not trying to get pregnant. We were in the middle of fertility testing and wanted to get some results on what could be going on before trying again.
Interestingly, during this time I got to thinking about my cycle and realized that I hadn't had my period in a long time......but my irregular and long cycles coupled with the fact I was working out extremely hard 6 days a week didn't leave me with concerns. I just figured that was why I was 'late'.
A week or two passed and then I started to really wonder what was going on. I was about 1 week outside of my Farrell's class at this point and truly expected a period by then. So I took a test not thinking much about it.
Here is what I found.....
I had a left over pregnancy test in my cabinet from our previous pregnancy so I grabbed it and decided to check it out. To be honest, I didn't even mention it to Michael before I took it because I was totally convinced it would be negative. When it was instantly positive my heart stopped for a moment. It was like the best surprise ever. It was such a blessing and an answer to prayer and it was obvious that God's timing was much different than ours but I had so much peace.....it just made so much sense for some reason.
It was so fun to share this news with Michael. He was in the shower and I walked in and said....'Guess what, we are going to have another baby.'
I remember seeing his head pop over the top of the shower curtain with a big smile and he said, 'Are you serious?!' I told him, I was totally serious and all we could do was laugh because we were so shocked and happy at the same time.
That next day I called the Fertility Specialists and told them what was going on and that we would not be moving forward with the genetic screening. At this point, it would not change our situation only explain why we lost so many babies before. I didn't really care to know if there was a problem at that time as it would create more anxiety than help.
This pregnancy has gone so well. I was more nauseated this time than with previous pregnancies and I have also been very tired but I am so blessed to say that I have had no bleeding. This is the first pregnancy I have not had to deal with blood and it has been such a blessing.
Below are some pics of our early ultrasounds.....
Above is a picture of our peanut at 7 weeks. This was our first time hearing it's heart beating and it was awesome.
Above is a picture of a much chubbier peanut at week 9. You can see it has some little arm nubs already. It was amazing because the baby was moving all around in this ultrasound already.
Right now we are working with a high risk OB. His name is Dr. Neil Mandsager with Mercy and he and his team have been so great and welcoming to Michael and I. I really feel they have been attentive to our situation and are trying to give us the best options possible to bring home a healthly baby in 6 months.
Just yesterday I went in and I had cerclage placement in my cervix. There are many types but we did the McDonald stitch which is one of the least invasive. This is a stitch that holds the cervix together to help avoid preterm dilalation. This will not guarantee I don't have bed rest this time but could possibly help me stay off longer. I had the procedure in a C-section room. It is so weird because you get a spinal like you would in a C-section then you just lay there awake while they do the procedure which only takes about 10 minutes. Thankfully, I had a couple of nurses that were great about keeping the conversation flowing to ease my nerves.
It took me 8 hours to get my spinal to wear off....you could say I got a good one! I also was having trouble urinating after they took my catheter out and I could not leave until that happened. Thankfully after 3 hours and 4 tries......it happened. I'm not sure I have ever been more happy to pee as I almost had to be re-cathed to avoid a distained bladder (sp?). I don't think anyone likes the idea of having another catheter.....:)
For the rest of this week things are all about resting. There is blood and cramping associated with this procedure ( I know I mentioned earlier not having blood this time....I should clarify we have had no blood outside of this procedure). Seeing blood and having cramping is never welcomed while pregnant but thankfully the blood has not scared me. Today the spotting has really tampered off and is getting less and less which is a good sign.
Oddly enough, the thing that is scaring to me the most is the cramping. I have had period style cramping since the procedure but nothing out of the ordinary. I will be honest that it does make me nervous as I fear pre term labor. I should mention period like cramping is normal with these procedures but you always start to wonder what is normal and what is not when you are in the middle of it.
If I have one prayer request right now it would be that my cramping would completely go away. If you think of us tonight, please lift that up for us. Thank you so much!
We get to go back in for a check up and ultrasound this Friday afternoon. I am really hoping for all good news. The Doctor said the cerclage went well and that when he placed it, the cervix looked healthy and whole so that is great!
I will start having shots in my hips every week starting next week. They are going to use progesterone to help me avoid pre term labor. This with the cerclage is about the best they can do for me medically to keep baby inside the longest and hopefully off bed rest longer.
All in all though, this whole thing is in God's hands. He is the ultimate Physician and will take care of us and give us exactly what we need. Whether or not that falls in our 'plans' is yet to be seen. We will be taken care of no matter the result.
Again, thanks for all of your prayers. We continue to pray that this pregnancy would go well and that I heal well from this cerclage procedure. We are thankful for our little 'surprise' and look forward to welcoming this bundle in February!
P.S.
I have not met many people that have had cerclages so if you have and can relate to our story, shoot me an email. It is so nice to hear from others who have walked the road we are currently walking to know how things went for them. I would love to hear your story if you are interested in sharing! :)
Momma and baby during the 14th week!
Tuesday, March 5, 2013
Angel Baby #4
I debated writing this post today. I know I do not post a lot and I feel that my most recent posts (which were 7 months ago) were a little heavy. This one will be no different. I hope you are ok with this.
The only reason we continue to write about these things is to hopefully help someone else out there who feels alone in the pain and loneliness that comes along with miscarriage. My heart cannot bear to think about any mom or dad out there feeling alone in this particular pain. I say 'particular pain' because we have found there is nothing else quite like it as you are mourning a person that no one has met. This can be a very empty lonely place to be as it is very easy to feel alone and that nobody understands. I am here to tell you 'You are not alone'. There are many out there that want to love and support you through your loss. Michael and I are some of those people. We have been so blessed by the support we receive each time we work through the tragedy of our losses that our hearts want so badly to pass that on.
My heart is heavy and sad tonight to share that we lost another one of our babies to miscarriage today. It gets harder to write about these happenings because it hurts more with each time. I think people think that because you have gone through miscarriage before that it is simply easier to go through later.......that is not exactly true for Michael and I. The only thing that is 'easier' is that we know what to expect and there is less fear because of that. As far as the pain from the loss goes..... that most definitely does not get easier.
In fact, it has felt harder this time.
We have had 4 miscarriages in 3 pregnancies to date. We lost our first in baby July 2010, our twins in July of 2012 (they died at separate times), and our newest angel baby March of 2013. Ouch. It is hard for my mommy heart to see this written out. My sweet babies. We of course have our miracle- Mr. Thor Michael who we feel is God's richest and greatest blessing to our lives. We welcomed him February 2012. Oh how we love that miracle baby.
It all started this past January when we were thrilled to find out on a cold weekday morning that in fact we had a positive pregnancy test. We were thrilled. Because of my history with miscarriage we went in right away for progesterone and HCG level testing. All of those tests came back looking great. My progesterone was nice and high and my HCG levels more than doubled in 48 hours. Such a blessing. We went in for an ultrasound at 6 weeks and were thrilled to see a beautiful baby growing inside of me with a sweet little heartbeat. Again, so very thankful. They did some genetic testing on me this pregnancy to see if I have a blood clotting disorder that in some cases can cut off blood supply to the uterus that ultimately kills the baby because of lack of blood flow. They did find that I have one genetic mutation but the particular one that I have is not one that they feel contributes to miscarriage. We did however supplement extra folic acid and I took one baby aspirin per day to thin my blood a little to make sure it was getting to the baby. This was done as a precaution.
My pregnancy with this baby was very similar to Thor's. I am one of the lucky few women that does not seem to deal with a lot of sickness of any sort with any of my pregnancies. If I am nauseous, a snack or meal will remedy this almost immediately. The only symptom that shows up strongly for me is fatigue and extreme exhaustion. Needless to say, we have had a lot of early bed times in our house the last couple of months.
This past Sunday I was 9w3d and we were having a family day. After church decided to run errands and take Thor out and about including an outing to the Science Center so he could run off some energy. When we got home I found some brown spotting in my underwear. Although this was naturally concerning I have spotted in all of my pregnancies including Thor's. Brown spotting can be very normal in pregnancy but for me it has been both a sign of loss and simply just a pregnancy symptom so I tend to feel anxious whenever seeing it as I'm not sure what to expect next. Much to our sadness about 9pm Sunday night we found bright red blood in my underwear and in the toilet. We felt the fear creep in at that point. That fear that gets right down in your bones and sort of numbs you and makes you want to put up a wall to shield yourself from potential pain. I decided to wait it out through the night and call the doctor in the morning. We could have went into the ER but at this point there was nothing they could do to stop something like this from happening. So we waited.
The next morning they were able to work us into the U/S schedule. This is when our worst fear was confirmed. The sweet lifeless body of our newest child was right in front if us. It clearly had grown much bigger since the last time we saw it. We could really see that its legs and arms had grown and were protruding from its body. The only issue is that flicker of the heart was gone. The whole room was still and silent. Including the beautiful child in front of us. I dreaded hearing the words 'I'm sorry' come out of the Ultrasound Tech's mouth so I simply said, "I don't see it's heart beating'. She quickly confirmed that what I suspected was correct. The baby was only measuring 8w3d so we knew it had died the week before. The image of your lifeless child never gets easier to see. Never.
The doctors came in and we ultimately decided that having a D&C was the best option for us. Today at about 1pm I had my surgery to remove our sweet angel from my body. Michael and I had one of the most emotional experiences together before we left for the hospital today. We cried.... and then we cried some more.
There are times in our lives when it is so very hard to see God's purpose in such pain. We mourned today. We mourned harder than we ever have. We have experienced every emotion today from sadness to anger. But I can tell you in the end we find ourselves kneeling at the feet of Jesus asking Him to take this burden as it feels too heavy to bear. He has given us strength and peace during the sadest and darkest parts of today. He had been with us and holding our hands through it. Even though this hurts we still believe that God IS good ALL the time. We love Him and know that He has great plans for us and our family.
A friend shared the following verse with me today and it was so uplifting so I wanted to post it as a reminder to myself.
Peter 5:10 And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you.
Dear Lord, I am ready for your restoration, confirmation, strengthening and re-establishing of my tired feet. I know you can and I believe that you will.
So, were do we go from here?
They did take the baby and sent it into the lab for chromosomal testing. They are going to see if there was an issue there. If they do find chromosomal abnormalities in the baby they are offering Michael and I the chance to have genetic testing done on both him and I as it is possible that some of our genes essentially do not come together in the right way when we conceive our children therefore creating issues in the genetics of our babies that lead to miscarriage. If we decide to do this testing and ultimately find this to be the case there is nothing that we can do about it . It would simply explain why we have lost far more children than we have had. From a medical standpoint, they cannot find any other issues with me that could be associated with these losses.
That may sound like a good thing but it is frustrating at that same time. We pray for answers but know that sometimes God does not offer those to us. We simply need to rest in knowing that His will was done. Below is a verse we cling to right now.
Jeremiah 29:11-13 For I know that plans I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.
Please pray for our family in these coming weeks as we work through this latest loss that God's refining fire would bring us out of this a stronger family with a deeper faith.
As always- please reach out to us if you are dealing with, have dealt with, or know someone dealing with this. We would love to share what God has done for us in the midst of our grief. We don't have all the answers but we do have soft hearts and listening ears towards the subject of miscarriage as it is something that is far too familiar to us......it is so hard.
You can reach us at daniellestensrud@gmail.com.
I am very weak and tired so I am going to get some rest. Thanks again to our friends and family that have prayed us through this day. We know God has given us peace and strength today otherwise we probably would not have made it out in one piece. We really love you!
The only reason we continue to write about these things is to hopefully help someone else out there who feels alone in the pain and loneliness that comes along with miscarriage. My heart cannot bear to think about any mom or dad out there feeling alone in this particular pain. I say 'particular pain' because we have found there is nothing else quite like it as you are mourning a person that no one has met. This can be a very empty lonely place to be as it is very easy to feel alone and that nobody understands. I am here to tell you 'You are not alone'. There are many out there that want to love and support you through your loss. Michael and I are some of those people. We have been so blessed by the support we receive each time we work through the tragedy of our losses that our hearts want so badly to pass that on.
My heart is heavy and sad tonight to share that we lost another one of our babies to miscarriage today. It gets harder to write about these happenings because it hurts more with each time. I think people think that because you have gone through miscarriage before that it is simply easier to go through later.......that is not exactly true for Michael and I. The only thing that is 'easier' is that we know what to expect and there is less fear because of that. As far as the pain from the loss goes..... that most definitely does not get easier.
In fact, it has felt harder this time.
We have had 4 miscarriages in 3 pregnancies to date. We lost our first in baby July 2010, our twins in July of 2012 (they died at separate times), and our newest angel baby March of 2013. Ouch. It is hard for my mommy heart to see this written out. My sweet babies. We of course have our miracle- Mr. Thor Michael who we feel is God's richest and greatest blessing to our lives. We welcomed him February 2012. Oh how we love that miracle baby.
It all started this past January when we were thrilled to find out on a cold weekday morning that in fact we had a positive pregnancy test. We were thrilled. Because of my history with miscarriage we went in right away for progesterone and HCG level testing. All of those tests came back looking great. My progesterone was nice and high and my HCG levels more than doubled in 48 hours. Such a blessing. We went in for an ultrasound at 6 weeks and were thrilled to see a beautiful baby growing inside of me with a sweet little heartbeat. Again, so very thankful. They did some genetic testing on me this pregnancy to see if I have a blood clotting disorder that in some cases can cut off blood supply to the uterus that ultimately kills the baby because of lack of blood flow. They did find that I have one genetic mutation but the particular one that I have is not one that they feel contributes to miscarriage. We did however supplement extra folic acid and I took one baby aspirin per day to thin my blood a little to make sure it was getting to the baby. This was done as a precaution.
My pregnancy with this baby was very similar to Thor's. I am one of the lucky few women that does not seem to deal with a lot of sickness of any sort with any of my pregnancies. If I am nauseous, a snack or meal will remedy this almost immediately. The only symptom that shows up strongly for me is fatigue and extreme exhaustion. Needless to say, we have had a lot of early bed times in our house the last couple of months.
This past Sunday I was 9w3d and we were having a family day. After church decided to run errands and take Thor out and about including an outing to the Science Center so he could run off some energy. When we got home I found some brown spotting in my underwear. Although this was naturally concerning I have spotted in all of my pregnancies including Thor's. Brown spotting can be very normal in pregnancy but for me it has been both a sign of loss and simply just a pregnancy symptom so I tend to feel anxious whenever seeing it as I'm not sure what to expect next. Much to our sadness about 9pm Sunday night we found bright red blood in my underwear and in the toilet. We felt the fear creep in at that point. That fear that gets right down in your bones and sort of numbs you and makes you want to put up a wall to shield yourself from potential pain. I decided to wait it out through the night and call the doctor in the morning. We could have went into the ER but at this point there was nothing they could do to stop something like this from happening. So we waited.
The next morning they were able to work us into the U/S schedule. This is when our worst fear was confirmed. The sweet lifeless body of our newest child was right in front if us. It clearly had grown much bigger since the last time we saw it. We could really see that its legs and arms had grown and were protruding from its body. The only issue is that flicker of the heart was gone. The whole room was still and silent. Including the beautiful child in front of us. I dreaded hearing the words 'I'm sorry' come out of the Ultrasound Tech's mouth so I simply said, "I don't see it's heart beating'. She quickly confirmed that what I suspected was correct. The baby was only measuring 8w3d so we knew it had died the week before. The image of your lifeless child never gets easier to see. Never.
The doctors came in and we ultimately decided that having a D&C was the best option for us. Today at about 1pm I had my surgery to remove our sweet angel from my body. Michael and I had one of the most emotional experiences together before we left for the hospital today. We cried.... and then we cried some more.
There are times in our lives when it is so very hard to see God's purpose in such pain. We mourned today. We mourned harder than we ever have. We have experienced every emotion today from sadness to anger. But I can tell you in the end we find ourselves kneeling at the feet of Jesus asking Him to take this burden as it feels too heavy to bear. He has given us strength and peace during the sadest and darkest parts of today. He had been with us and holding our hands through it. Even though this hurts we still believe that God IS good ALL the time. We love Him and know that He has great plans for us and our family.
A friend shared the following verse with me today and it was so uplifting so I wanted to post it as a reminder to myself.
Peter 5:10 And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you.
Dear Lord, I am ready for your restoration, confirmation, strengthening and re-establishing of my tired feet. I know you can and I believe that you will.
So, were do we go from here?
They did take the baby and sent it into the lab for chromosomal testing. They are going to see if there was an issue there. If they do find chromosomal abnormalities in the baby they are offering Michael and I the chance to have genetic testing done on both him and I as it is possible that some of our genes essentially do not come together in the right way when we conceive our children therefore creating issues in the genetics of our babies that lead to miscarriage. If we decide to do this testing and ultimately find this to be the case there is nothing that we can do about it . It would simply explain why we have lost far more children than we have had. From a medical standpoint, they cannot find any other issues with me that could be associated with these losses.
That may sound like a good thing but it is frustrating at that same time. We pray for answers but know that sometimes God does not offer those to us. We simply need to rest in knowing that His will was done. Below is a verse we cling to right now.
Jeremiah 29:11-13 For I know that plans I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.
Please pray for our family in these coming weeks as we work through this latest loss that God's refining fire would bring us out of this a stronger family with a deeper faith.
As always- please reach out to us if you are dealing with, have dealt with, or know someone dealing with this. We would love to share what God has done for us in the midst of our grief. We don't have all the answers but we do have soft hearts and listening ears towards the subject of miscarriage as it is something that is far too familiar to us......it is so hard.
You can reach us at daniellestensrud@gmail.com.
I am very weak and tired so I am going to get some rest. Thanks again to our friends and family that have prayed us through this day. We know God has given us peace and strength today otherwise we probably would not have made it out in one piece. We really love you!
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
1 Month Later
-One month after losing our twins, we share a little photo tribute to the babies-
We had this shirt made for your big brother which is how we shared with your Grandpas, Grandmas, Aunts, and Uncles that you were on the way. You two were a surprise not only to mom and dad....but you were a big surprise to the rest of your family as well. Such a fun surprise! You were loved from the second we know you existed.
 |
| Big Brother loves you too! |
Here is a picture of you two and Mommy. Mommy's tummy got big very fast with you two. Much faster than with your brother.
You are loved!
 |
| Even though we can't see you. This is a special family picture of all of us together. We will cherish this memory!
First off, thank you for the many people who have been covering us in prayer this past month. We are so thankful! We have felt so much peace through the pain because of those prayers. We are so grateful for the Body of Christ. We know God has a plan and a purpose through the tragedy that is miscarriage. Although it's hard to find positive in the sadness, our prayer is that in situations like these, Michael and I would draw closer to Christ rather than pull away. We seek God in the Word and are honest with Him when we are frustrated and don't understand sharing the pains from the deepest parts of our souls with God. He hears those cries and has given peace even if we don't have a clear answer to our 'Whys'. He is good all the time!
Have a great day everyone! |
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
I Know the Plans I Have for You Declares the Lord!
I've never written a blog post when an issue has truly been raw with emotional for me. I've never written a post in the middle of dealing with a trail. For anyone who follows our blog you know we choose to open up about a lot of the joys and trails that Michael and I have endured as we journey through life together but typically by the time we write about them......we have truly worked through that issue.
Today is a first for me as I'm writing about something that is burdening us at this very moment. Something we haven't had time to work all the way through. When writing our blogs, our prayer is always that our honesty about the hard times in our life will end up bringing healing for others, but today I think writing this blog may be a step towards healing for me.
We got a BIG surprise this Father's Day 2012. Not only because it was our first Father's Day celebrating with Thor but because we found out that morning that we were PREGNANT (again)! Whew! With a 4 month old you can imagine this came as a surprise (no-this was not planned). We also have a hard time getting pregnant so this was least expected (it took us a year with Thor). We realized our kids would be approximately 12-13 months apart. Wow! We laughed as Michael always wanted twins and from what some close friends told us, we were about to embark on something called 'Irish Twins.' I guess this term means having two kids in two separate pregnancies in a years time. Michael was pumped from the moment he knew but it took me a couple of days to set in.
A few days before finding out we were pregnant, I had started spotting at work and immediately thought it was the first sign that I was getting a period. I really thought nothing of it. At the end of that day I realized that the spotting I saw earlier that day had subsided. Still not thinking much about it, I figured it was just my body trying to get back on track after having Thor and it was taking some time for my period to really kick in. Another day went by and still no period. It than dawned on me that I get implantation bleeding when I'm pregnant. I laughed thinking that there was no way that this was the case but thought if my period didn't come by the weekend I would take a pregnancy test. On Father's Day morning Michael went upstairs to get Thor up and ready for church. When he went upstairs I decided to take the pregnancy test as they work best with the first morning pee. I had a cheap test, the kind where the plus sign means pregnant and the straight-single line means not pregnant. Right away the straight line showed up......but then I noticed the other line faintly coming through.....I was thinking, 'No Way'....in a few seconds it obviously showed as a 'positive test.'
I freaked out for a moment then ran upstairs and put the test in front of Michael's face and we both laughed. We hugged it out and then he got super excited and I freaked. It took me a couple of days for that to sink in.
It was July 9th that really shocked us. During the ultrasound we found that we were indeed pregnant with TWINS although very sadly they let us know we lost baby #2 due to miscarriage. We were so shocked. I really didn't know how to feel. The news of the twins was shocking enough but it was also so sad to hear that we had lost one. They were fraternal twins as they were in two separate sacs. Baby #1 however was alive and we were able to see a heartbeat. At this appointment, the babies were measuring smaller than expected at 6w 1d. They checked my progesterone as well as other hormone levels and everything came back normal. They said we would loose baby#2 naturally and that it would not hurt baby #1.
Yesterday (7/24), I was working and started to notice some light pink spotting in the morning. Now, this scenario has gone a couple ways for us in the past. One scenario ended in miscarriage and the other was a bleeding cervix which led to our healthy Thor. I tried not to panic as some spotting can be normal. Still, spotting is not a welcomed sight to any pregnant lady as you do not want it to mean worst case scenario.
I called the doctors because as the morning progressed, the pink spotting was getting darker colored, a little heavier. They decided to have me come in for an ultrasound.
I drove home from work to pick up Michael who had just got out of a root canal. He felt we had nothing to worry about and thought it might just be baby #2 that was passing. I on the other hand had a sick pit feeling in my stomach that something was not right with baby #1.
We got into the ultrasound quite quickly considering they worked us into the schedule. As soon as the ultrasound started we saw both sacs. One empty sac with a baby that had mostly disintegrated (baby #2) and the other with our tiny one (baby #1). It was then that our worst fear was confirmed a reality. Our sweet tiny baby #1 lay motionless. No flicker of a heart on the screen showing life as it did just a couple weeks ago. The ultrasound tech was still quiet and looking around so I said quietly, "I don't see a heartbeat.' She looked down at me and said, "I'm so sorry, I don't either, the baby is gone."
Flashbacks from loosing our sweet Hope came rushing back. Tears flowed down as Michael and I just sat there holding hands mourning our loss.
We met with the doctors shortly after and decided that I would have a D&C surgery to ensure they removed everything that they needed from my uterus to ensure proper healing.
I had a D&C just this morning (7/25). I'm weepy, sore, emotionally drained, yet grateful. Michael and I have always wanted 4 children. Guess what, we have them. We lost Hope and now the twins who at this point we have not named. This has given us a huge appreciation for our Thor. Even more than we had before. I hate it when that happens but tragedy can do that. It makes me realize that just having him is a huge blessing and to stop sweating the 'small stuff' in the day to day of raising a child. Just the fact that he is here is all that matters. We just love him to pieces.
Having a miscarriage after already having a child is different than with Hope (we didn't have Thor at that point). If you have not read our post about losing Hope I would encourage you to check that one out after this. Thor is such a distraction (in a good way for us today) as he is not sad because he doesn't know what is going on. He smiles, coos, cries when we eat in front of him because he wants what we have, rolls across the floor, etc. Just being his goofy and sometimes defiant self because he is still filled with joy and normalcy. He doesn't understand the pain. I love this about the innocence of children. This has been a much needed ray of sunshine in our day. I'm so thankful for him. I'm not sure why God wanted to take our other 3 children from us. It is hard to understand but we chose to believe that this is His Will for our lives and we chose not to be bitter. We chose to seek him as we mourn, celebrate the gift of Thor and trust for better days ahead. One of the hardest parts is that it feels that just when we were wrapping our heads around having kids so close together the babies were taken just about that quickly.
I will follow up with more at a later time. This is about all I have to give tonight. I have a verse in my house that sits in front of my mirror in my bathroom. I read it as I get ready each morning. It reads, 'Trust in the Lord with ALL your heart and lean not on your own understanding.' Proverbs 3:5
Tonight we don't understand why this happened to us, we have cried, my body does hurt from the loss of our children and the recovery from the surgery....but we TRUST that the Lord has great plans and that our children are rejoicing in heaven with Him as we speak. Beautiful angels!
Prayers for us today would be amazingly appreciated. We thank those who were praying us through the day. We could feel a peace around us and know that came straight from God.
My other prayer request is for our Anaesthesiologist who 'put me under' for surgery today. He shared that he and his wife had lost twins to miscarriage just 6 months ago. He also shared that they have had 8 pregnancies and have two boys from all those pregnancies. He was filled with so much hurt and bitterness because of it. My heart hurts for him tonight. I don't know his name but I saw anger in his face and I pray God can get a hold of his heart. I can't imagine what he and his wife are going through but I could see that having us to connect with softened him a bit because he knew we could understand a bit of their pain. I was grateful that God put him in our path even in this difficult scenario.
Thanks for listening everyone. Back to resting. This momma is tired and sore.
We love you so much angel babies! -Love your Mommy and Daddy-
Today is a first for me as I'm writing about something that is burdening us at this very moment. Something we haven't had time to work all the way through. When writing our blogs, our prayer is always that our honesty about the hard times in our life will end up bringing healing for others, but today I think writing this blog may be a step towards healing for me.
We got a BIG surprise this Father's Day 2012. Not only because it was our first Father's Day celebrating with Thor but because we found out that morning that we were PREGNANT (again)! Whew! With a 4 month old you can imagine this came as a surprise (no-this was not planned). We also have a hard time getting pregnant so this was least expected (it took us a year with Thor). We realized our kids would be approximately 12-13 months apart. Wow! We laughed as Michael always wanted twins and from what some close friends told us, we were about to embark on something called 'Irish Twins.' I guess this term means having two kids in two separate pregnancies in a years time. Michael was pumped from the moment he knew but it took me a couple of days to set in.
A few days before finding out we were pregnant, I had started spotting at work and immediately thought it was the first sign that I was getting a period. I really thought nothing of it. At the end of that day I realized that the spotting I saw earlier that day had subsided. Still not thinking much about it, I figured it was just my body trying to get back on track after having Thor and it was taking some time for my period to really kick in. Another day went by and still no period. It than dawned on me that I get implantation bleeding when I'm pregnant. I laughed thinking that there was no way that this was the case but thought if my period didn't come by the weekend I would take a pregnancy test. On Father's Day morning Michael went upstairs to get Thor up and ready for church. When he went upstairs I decided to take the pregnancy test as they work best with the first morning pee. I had a cheap test, the kind where the plus sign means pregnant and the straight-single line means not pregnant. Right away the straight line showed up......but then I noticed the other line faintly coming through.....I was thinking, 'No Way'....in a few seconds it obviously showed as a 'positive test.'
I freaked out for a moment then ran upstairs and put the test in front of Michael's face and we both laughed. We hugged it out and then he got super excited and I freaked. It took me a couple of days for that to sink in.
It was July 9th that really shocked us. During the ultrasound we found that we were indeed pregnant with TWINS although very sadly they let us know we lost baby #2 due to miscarriage. We were so shocked. I really didn't know how to feel. The news of the twins was shocking enough but it was also so sad to hear that we had lost one. They were fraternal twins as they were in two separate sacs. Baby #1 however was alive and we were able to see a heartbeat. At this appointment, the babies were measuring smaller than expected at 6w 1d. They checked my progesterone as well as other hormone levels and everything came back normal. They said we would loose baby#2 naturally and that it would not hurt baby #1.
Yesterday (7/24), I was working and started to notice some light pink spotting in the morning. Now, this scenario has gone a couple ways for us in the past. One scenario ended in miscarriage and the other was a bleeding cervix which led to our healthy Thor. I tried not to panic as some spotting can be normal. Still, spotting is not a welcomed sight to any pregnant lady as you do not want it to mean worst case scenario.
I called the doctors because as the morning progressed, the pink spotting was getting darker colored, a little heavier. They decided to have me come in for an ultrasound.
I drove home from work to pick up Michael who had just got out of a root canal. He felt we had nothing to worry about and thought it might just be baby #2 that was passing. I on the other hand had a sick pit feeling in my stomach that something was not right with baby #1.
We got into the ultrasound quite quickly considering they worked us into the schedule. As soon as the ultrasound started we saw both sacs. One empty sac with a baby that had mostly disintegrated (baby #2) and the other with our tiny one (baby #1). It was then that our worst fear was confirmed a reality. Our sweet tiny baby #1 lay motionless. No flicker of a heart on the screen showing life as it did just a couple weeks ago. The ultrasound tech was still quiet and looking around so I said quietly, "I don't see a heartbeat.' She looked down at me and said, "I'm so sorry, I don't either, the baby is gone."
Flashbacks from loosing our sweet Hope came rushing back. Tears flowed down as Michael and I just sat there holding hands mourning our loss.
We met with the doctors shortly after and decided that I would have a D&C surgery to ensure they removed everything that they needed from my uterus to ensure proper healing.
I had a D&C just this morning (7/25). I'm weepy, sore, emotionally drained, yet grateful. Michael and I have always wanted 4 children. Guess what, we have them. We lost Hope and now the twins who at this point we have not named. This has given us a huge appreciation for our Thor. Even more than we had before. I hate it when that happens but tragedy can do that. It makes me realize that just having him is a huge blessing and to stop sweating the 'small stuff' in the day to day of raising a child. Just the fact that he is here is all that matters. We just love him to pieces.
Having a miscarriage after already having a child is different than with Hope (we didn't have Thor at that point). If you have not read our post about losing Hope I would encourage you to check that one out after this. Thor is such a distraction (in a good way for us today) as he is not sad because he doesn't know what is going on. He smiles, coos, cries when we eat in front of him because he wants what we have, rolls across the floor, etc. Just being his goofy and sometimes defiant self because he is still filled with joy and normalcy. He doesn't understand the pain. I love this about the innocence of children. This has been a much needed ray of sunshine in our day. I'm so thankful for him. I'm not sure why God wanted to take our other 3 children from us. It is hard to understand but we chose to believe that this is His Will for our lives and we chose not to be bitter. We chose to seek him as we mourn, celebrate the gift of Thor and trust for better days ahead. One of the hardest parts is that it feels that just when we were wrapping our heads around having kids so close together the babies were taken just about that quickly.
I will follow up with more at a later time. This is about all I have to give tonight. I have a verse in my house that sits in front of my mirror in my bathroom. I read it as I get ready each morning. It reads, 'Trust in the Lord with ALL your heart and lean not on your own understanding.' Proverbs 3:5
Tonight we don't understand why this happened to us, we have cried, my body does hurt from the loss of our children and the recovery from the surgery....but we TRUST that the Lord has great plans and that our children are rejoicing in heaven with Him as we speak. Beautiful angels!
Prayers for us today would be amazingly appreciated. We thank those who were praying us through the day. We could feel a peace around us and know that came straight from God.
My other prayer request is for our Anaesthesiologist who 'put me under' for surgery today. He shared that he and his wife had lost twins to miscarriage just 6 months ago. He also shared that they have had 8 pregnancies and have two boys from all those pregnancies. He was filled with so much hurt and bitterness because of it. My heart hurts for him tonight. I don't know his name but I saw anger in his face and I pray God can get a hold of his heart. I can't imagine what he and his wife are going through but I could see that having us to connect with softened him a bit because he knew we could understand a bit of their pain. I was grateful that God put him in our path even in this difficult scenario.
Thanks for listening everyone. Back to resting. This momma is tired and sore.
We love you so much angel babies! -Love your Mommy and Daddy-
Saturday, July 21, 2012
5 Years and Counting!
Today is a date that will always have a special place in my heart as it is a day I got to marry my best friend, 7.21.2007. For us, hitting our 5 year anniversary feels like a big milestone in marriage (as far as time goes). It's weird to think it has already been a half a decade since we said those sacred words, 'I Do'.
In honor of the celebration of our 5 years of marriage, I thought it would be fun to step back in time and tell a little bit of our love story!
From time to time growing up we would have friends mention that they thought Michael and I would make a good couple. Neither Michael nor I were ever really interested in each other for various reasons during those years, but because people would say these things, it always made things awkward between us whenever we would run into each other. It was always that awkward 'elephant in the room' feeling when we saw each other. It was hard to feel natural around him because it felt like people were watching us thinking, 'ohhhh they should really go out on a date.' LOL Although we really didn't know much about each other this situation made us avoid each other as much as possible growing up.
Two of my life long best friends are Amanda and Denise Rasmussen (Amanda now a Krumwiede and Denise a Bierle). They both happen to be Michael's first cousins which is the main reason I would run into Michael from time to time growing up. I was basically the Rasmussen Family's 3rd daughter as I was with them so much.
Denise was getting married July 1st, 2006 and we were busy prepping for the wedding. In the back of my mind I knew that I would be running into Michael that weekend........to be honest I was kind of dreading it. I figured everyone would be pushing us to talk and hang out.....I was dreading what I thought would be a forced awkward interaction between us at this wedding. Even though I was dreading it, I tried to put those feelings behind me and focus on all the fun we were going to have sharing in Denise and Reid's big day.
Well, the big day arrived. The wedding went off beautifully and we headed to the reception. The funny thing is, I don't remember seeing Michael at the wedding. During the reception I noticed him but we were so busy with everything from speeches to dancing that I didn't have time to think about him. Once the dance got going I did notice that Michael was gone (guess where??? Birdsall's of course!). For some reason in the back of my mind I was a little disappointed that he was gone. I didn't know where this emotion was coming from but it was like I was hoping he would come back Well let's be honest.....I WAS hoping he would come back. I mentioned this to my dear friend Aly who stopped by the wedding reception. I remember Aly coming up to me at one point during the dance and telling me 'Danielle, he's back!' as she squealed with excitement. EEEKK
My heart fluttered. I looked over and saw him and immediately got the butterflies. I didn't know what was going on with me. Aly told me that I needed to go talk to him. I told her 'No Way' I feel way too awkward.
It was just then that Courtney (Amanda's husband) went over to sit with Michael at a table. Aly looked at me and said, 'This is a perfect time to go over there, Courtney will be the perfect buffer.' She walked with me over to the table and we sat down and had really great/easy conversation. It was so fun.
Michael's whole extended family had rented a house on Clear Lake that whole week after Denise and Reid's wedding. Michael asked me if I wanted to come hangout at the house after the reception with everyone. Butterflies again. I quickly agreed and couldn't really believe it was happening.
I headed over to the lake house after cleaning up the reception hall. Again, I felt a little awkward about going over to the lake house where his whole family was hanging out but he asked and I really wanted to go.....so I did. We ended up hanging out in a group on the deck overlooking the lake for a long time. It was a great night.
Wanna know something amazing?? Both our families and friends for the first time put absolutely no pressure on us. I think this was the ticket :).
I remember leaving the house that night thinking, 'What is going on?' That was really great and TOTALLY unexpected.
The next day Michael and his family were going over the Rasmussen house in Britt for a gift opening for Reid and Denise before they left on their honeymoon. After the gift opening, Ken and Beth were planning a pool party for family and friends in their backyard. Michael was not planning on coming but I think since we sort of 'hit it off' the night before he decided to come over. We swam, golfed, and hung out all day that day. I was starting to really feel 'feelings' surfacing for him. I couldn't believe it.
When that day was over I was sad as I didn't know when I would see him again and I wasn't sure if he had any feelings for me. I just chalked it up as a great weekend.
The next day I was working at the Buckle and I got a text message. It was from an unknown number but from what I was reading I knew it was from Michael. He was inviting me back to the lake house that night and wanted me to come out to dinner with his family. Oh My Gosh!! I was getting the butterflies more than ever! I quickly wrote back that I would be there.
We ended up spending almost every day that week together.
The most memorable part of the week was Forth of July night. I went over to the lake house and watched fireworks with a bunch of his family. We sat out on the fishing pier in Ventura during the fireworks. This was also the first time Michael held my hand. Eeekk. We ended up talking after the fireworks. But not just Michael and I.....Courtney stayed out with us too. To this day, we consider Courtney a big piece of us coming together so well. He was a great buffer to our conversation that night and kept things light and funny. Believe it or not, the 3 of us sat out on Venture Pier all night and talked until the sun came up. It was the funnest thing I have ever done. I remember when the sun was rising seeing frogs jumping on the lily pads in front of us and deer drinking from the lake....so beautiful. Michael had to be at work in Cedar Falls by 8am that morning to start landscaping. He took off back to Cedar Falls where he lived and worked all day with literally no sleep at all.
For about the week after these magical days together, Michael and I's communication came to a screeching halt. I didn't call him and he didn't call me. It turns out that both of us were worried we were coming on too strong to the other and didn't want to ruin anything. We were both simply afraid to call the other. This was SUCH a hard week for me. I really thought that we had something and then I figured it was over.
I remember telling Amanda that I didn't think he was really that in to me. She busted out laughing and said that she begged to differ. She explained that she thought he was probably nervous and didn't want to come across too strong. She told me to call him so I did. As soon as I heard his voice I could tell we both felt relief. We were honest that both of us were afraid to come on to strong and that we were scared that maybe the other person's feelings weren't as strong as the one's we were actually feeling. From that week on were together as much as possible.
Michael told me he loved me probably 4-6 weeks after this. I was the timid one and was afraid that he would get sick of me so I waited to tell him for about another 4 weeks after that. He was sooooo sweet and understanding during those 4 long weeks. I loved him back the first time he told me but I was trying so hard to avoid getting hurt that I held back. I remember the day I finally told him "I Love You' it was so freeing and felt so right.
We ended up having the 'marriage talk' on our way back from a family Thanksgiving in Minneapolis and were engaged 12.8.2006 about a week and a half after that talk, 5 months after starting to date. That may seem fast (and it is) but we knew without a doubt that God had made us for one another.
We were married 1 year to the month that we met at Denise's wedding, July, 21st 2007. It was fast... but when you know you know. We both knew very quickly that we could not spend our lives without each other so why wait?? It was the best decision we ever made and we haven't ever regretted a second of it.
Wanna know something else interesting? Michael swears that the day that he saw me walking down the aisle as a bridesmaid in Denise and Reid's wedding he knew right then and there that I was going to be his wife. He said a feeling came over him and he knew he wanted to be with me forever.......even though he really didn't know me! Isn't it amazing when God speaks soooooo clearly?!? Michael said this was the reason it was so easy for him to pursue me. Normally he would be very uncomfortable with that. We had both been praying that God would bring us our life mate....and God did.....when we least expected it! Sometimes God's timing is not what you think but it will end up being the best thing ever!
I love being married to my best friend. Michael is a great blessing to my life and I cannot imagine living without him. In the past 5 years the biggest gift God has given us is our sweet son, Thor Michael. We feel so blessed to have each other as well as a gift directly from the Lord in Thor. Thor is a sign of our love for one another and a gift from God. I pray that he will grow up to be a man of God. I'm thankful that he has a great daddy to look up to each day as I long for him to be a gentleman and a strong but kind loving man like his dad.
We pray for God's leading in the next 5 years of our marriage! Thanks for everyone who has prayed for us and our family along the way!
In honor of the celebration of our 5 years of marriage, I thought it would be fun to step back in time and tell a little bit of our love story!
From time to time growing up we would have friends mention that they thought Michael and I would make a good couple. Neither Michael nor I were ever really interested in each other for various reasons during those years, but because people would say these things, it always made things awkward between us whenever we would run into each other. It was always that awkward 'elephant in the room' feeling when we saw each other. It was hard to feel natural around him because it felt like people were watching us thinking, 'ohhhh they should really go out on a date.' LOL Although we really didn't know much about each other this situation made us avoid each other as much as possible growing up.
Two of my life long best friends are Amanda and Denise Rasmussen (Amanda now a Krumwiede and Denise a Bierle). They both happen to be Michael's first cousins which is the main reason I would run into Michael from time to time growing up. I was basically the Rasmussen Family's 3rd daughter as I was with them so much.
Denise was getting married July 1st, 2006 and we were busy prepping for the wedding. In the back of my mind I knew that I would be running into Michael that weekend........to be honest I was kind of dreading it. I figured everyone would be pushing us to talk and hang out.....I was dreading what I thought would be a forced awkward interaction between us at this wedding. Even though I was dreading it, I tried to put those feelings behind me and focus on all the fun we were going to have sharing in Denise and Reid's big day.
Well, the big day arrived. The wedding went off beautifully and we headed to the reception. The funny thing is, I don't remember seeing Michael at the wedding. During the reception I noticed him but we were so busy with everything from speeches to dancing that I didn't have time to think about him. Once the dance got going I did notice that Michael was gone (guess where??? Birdsall's of course!). For some reason in the back of my mind I was a little disappointed that he was gone. I didn't know where this emotion was coming from but it was like I was hoping he would come back Well let's be honest.....I WAS hoping he would come back. I mentioned this to my dear friend Aly who stopped by the wedding reception. I remember Aly coming up to me at one point during the dance and telling me 'Danielle, he's back!' as she squealed with excitement. EEEKK
My heart fluttered. I looked over and saw him and immediately got the butterflies. I didn't know what was going on with me. Aly told me that I needed to go talk to him. I told her 'No Way' I feel way too awkward.
It was just then that Courtney (Amanda's husband) went over to sit with Michael at a table. Aly looked at me and said, 'This is a perfect time to go over there, Courtney will be the perfect buffer.' She walked with me over to the table and we sat down and had really great/easy conversation. It was so fun.
Michael's whole extended family had rented a house on Clear Lake that whole week after Denise and Reid's wedding. Michael asked me if I wanted to come hangout at the house after the reception with everyone. Butterflies again. I quickly agreed and couldn't really believe it was happening.
I headed over to the lake house after cleaning up the reception hall. Again, I felt a little awkward about going over to the lake house where his whole family was hanging out but he asked and I really wanted to go.....so I did. We ended up hanging out in a group on the deck overlooking the lake for a long time. It was a great night.
Wanna know something amazing?? Both our families and friends for the first time put absolutely no pressure on us. I think this was the ticket :).
I remember leaving the house that night thinking, 'What is going on?' That was really great and TOTALLY unexpected.
The next day Michael and his family were going over the Rasmussen house in Britt for a gift opening for Reid and Denise before they left on their honeymoon. After the gift opening, Ken and Beth were planning a pool party for family and friends in their backyard. Michael was not planning on coming but I think since we sort of 'hit it off' the night before he decided to come over. We swam, golfed, and hung out all day that day. I was starting to really feel 'feelings' surfacing for him. I couldn't believe it.
When that day was over I was sad as I didn't know when I would see him again and I wasn't sure if he had any feelings for me. I just chalked it up as a great weekend.
The next day I was working at the Buckle and I got a text message. It was from an unknown number but from what I was reading I knew it was from Michael. He was inviting me back to the lake house that night and wanted me to come out to dinner with his family. Oh My Gosh!! I was getting the butterflies more than ever! I quickly wrote back that I would be there.
We ended up spending almost every day that week together.
The most memorable part of the week was Forth of July night. I went over to the lake house and watched fireworks with a bunch of his family. We sat out on the fishing pier in Ventura during the fireworks. This was also the first time Michael held my hand. Eeekk. We ended up talking after the fireworks. But not just Michael and I.....Courtney stayed out with us too. To this day, we consider Courtney a big piece of us coming together so well. He was a great buffer to our conversation that night and kept things light and funny. Believe it or not, the 3 of us sat out on Venture Pier all night and talked until the sun came up. It was the funnest thing I have ever done. I remember when the sun was rising seeing frogs jumping on the lily pads in front of us and deer drinking from the lake....so beautiful. Michael had to be at work in Cedar Falls by 8am that morning to start landscaping. He took off back to Cedar Falls where he lived and worked all day with literally no sleep at all.
We took a wedding photo on Ventura Pier where we talked all night with Court on the Forth of July. We've always felt this is the place we started to fall in love.
For about the week after these magical days together, Michael and I's communication came to a screeching halt. I didn't call him and he didn't call me. It turns out that both of us were worried we were coming on too strong to the other and didn't want to ruin anything. We were both simply afraid to call the other. This was SUCH a hard week for me. I really thought that we had something and then I figured it was over.
I remember telling Amanda that I didn't think he was really that in to me. She busted out laughing and said that she begged to differ. She explained that she thought he was probably nervous and didn't want to come across too strong. She told me to call him so I did. As soon as I heard his voice I could tell we both felt relief. We were honest that both of us were afraid to come on to strong and that we were scared that maybe the other person's feelings weren't as strong as the one's we were actually feeling. From that week on were together as much as possible.
Michael told me he loved me probably 4-6 weeks after this. I was the timid one and was afraid that he would get sick of me so I waited to tell him for about another 4 weeks after that. He was sooooo sweet and understanding during those 4 long weeks. I loved him back the first time he told me but I was trying so hard to avoid getting hurt that I held back. I remember the day I finally told him "I Love You' it was so freeing and felt so right.
We ended up having the 'marriage talk' on our way back from a family Thanksgiving in Minneapolis and were engaged 12.8.2006 about a week and a half after that talk, 5 months after starting to date. That may seem fast (and it is) but we knew without a doubt that God had made us for one another.
This is the night we got engaged
We were married 1 year to the month that we met at Denise's wedding, July, 21st 2007. It was fast... but when you know you know. We both knew very quickly that we could not spend our lives without each other so why wait?? It was the best decision we ever made and we haven't ever regretted a second of it.
Wanna know something else interesting? Michael swears that the day that he saw me walking down the aisle as a bridesmaid in Denise and Reid's wedding he knew right then and there that I was going to be his wife. He said a feeling came over him and he knew he wanted to be with me forever.......even though he really didn't know me! Isn't it amazing when God speaks soooooo clearly?!? Michael said this was the reason it was so easy for him to pursue me. Normally he would be very uncomfortable with that. We had both been praying that God would bring us our life mate....and God did.....when we least expected it! Sometimes God's timing is not what you think but it will end up being the best thing ever!
Michael saw this and apparently though...'Wife'!
We pray for God's leading in the next 5 years of our marriage! Thanks for everyone who has prayed for us and our family along the way!
5 years later! God is Good!
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