I've never written a blog post when an issue has truly been raw with emotional for me. I've never written a post in the middle of dealing with a trail. For anyone who follows our blog you know we choose to open up about a lot of the joys and trails that Michael and I have endured as we journey through life together but typically by the time we write about them......we have truly worked through that issue.
Today is a first for me as I'm writing about something that is burdening us at this very moment. Something we haven't had time to work all the way through. When writing our blogs, our prayer is always that our honesty about the hard times in our life will end up bringing healing for others, but today I think writing this blog may be a step towards healing for me.
We got a BIG surprise this Father's Day 2012. Not only because it was our first Father's Day celebrating with Thor but because we found out that morning that we were PREGNANT (again)! Whew! With a 4 month old you can imagine this came as a surprise (no-this was not planned). We also have a hard time getting pregnant so this was least expected (it took us a year with Thor). We realized our kids would be approximately 12-13 months apart. Wow! We laughed as Michael always wanted twins and from what some close friends told us, we were about to embark on something called 'Irish Twins.' I guess this term means having two kids in two separate pregnancies in a years time. Michael was pumped from the moment he knew but it took me a couple of days to set in.
A few days before finding out we were pregnant, I had started spotting at work and immediately thought it was the first sign that I was getting a period. I really thought nothing of it. At the end of that day I realized that the spotting I saw earlier that day had subsided. Still not thinking much about it, I figured it was just my body trying to get back on track after having Thor and it was taking some time for my period to really kick in. Another day went by and still no period. It than dawned on me that I get implantation bleeding when I'm pregnant. I laughed thinking that there was no way that this was the case but thought if my period didn't come by the weekend I would take a pregnancy test. On Father's Day morning Michael went upstairs to get Thor up and ready for church. When he went upstairs I decided to take the pregnancy test as they work best with the first morning pee. I had a cheap test, the kind where the plus sign means pregnant and the straight-single line means not pregnant. Right away the straight line showed up......but then I noticed the other line faintly coming through.....I was thinking, 'No Way'....in a few seconds it obviously showed as a 'positive test.'
I freaked out for a moment then ran upstairs and put the test in front of Michael's face and we both laughed. We hugged it out and then he got super excited and I freaked. It took me a couple of days for that to sink in.
It was July 9th that really shocked us. During the ultrasound we found that we were indeed pregnant with TWINS although very sadly they let us know we lost baby #2 due to miscarriage. We were so shocked. I really didn't know how to feel. The news of the twins was shocking enough but it was also so sad to hear that we had lost one. They were fraternal twins as they were in two separate sacs. Baby #1 however was alive and we were able to see a heartbeat. At this appointment, the babies were measuring smaller than expected at 6w 1d. They checked my progesterone as well as other hormone levels and everything came back normal. They said we would loose baby#2 naturally and that it would not hurt baby #1.
Yesterday (7/24), I was working and started to notice some light pink spotting in the morning. Now, this scenario has gone a couple ways for us in the past. One scenario ended in miscarriage and the other was a bleeding cervix which led to our healthy Thor. I tried not to panic as some spotting can be normal. Still, spotting is not a welcomed sight to any pregnant lady as you do not want it to mean worst case scenario.
I called the doctors because as the morning progressed, the pink spotting was getting darker colored, a little heavier. They decided to have me come in for an ultrasound.
I drove home from work to pick up Michael who had just got out of a root canal. He felt we had nothing to worry about and thought it might just be baby #2 that was passing. I on the other hand had a sick pit feeling in my stomach that something was not right with baby #1.
We got into the ultrasound quite quickly considering they worked us into the schedule. As soon as the ultrasound started we saw both sacs. One empty sac with a baby that had mostly disintegrated (baby #2) and the other with our tiny one (baby #1). It was then that our worst fear was confirmed a reality. Our sweet tiny baby #1 lay motionless. No flicker of a heart on the screen showing life as it did just a couple weeks ago. The ultrasound tech was still quiet and looking around so I said quietly, "I don't see a heartbeat.' She looked down at me and said, "I'm so sorry, I don't either, the baby is gone."
Flashbacks from loosing our sweet Hope came rushing back. Tears flowed down as Michael and I just sat there holding hands mourning our loss.
We met with the doctors shortly after and decided that I would have a D&C surgery to ensure they removed everything that they needed from my uterus to ensure proper healing.
I had a D&C just this morning (7/25). I'm weepy, sore, emotionally drained, yet grateful. Michael and I have always wanted 4 children. Guess what, we have them. We lost Hope and now the twins who at this point we have not named. This has given us a huge appreciation for our Thor. Even more than we had before. I hate it when that happens but tragedy can do that. It makes me realize that just having him is a huge blessing and to stop sweating the 'small stuff' in the day to day of raising a child. Just the fact that he is here is all that matters. We just love him to pieces.
Having a miscarriage after already having a child is different than with Hope (we didn't have Thor at that point). If you have not read our post about losing Hope I would encourage you to check that one out after this. Thor is such a distraction (in a good way for us today) as he is not sad because he doesn't know what is going on. He smiles, coos, cries when we eat in front of him because he wants what we have, rolls across the floor, etc. Just being his goofy and sometimes defiant self because he is still filled with joy and normalcy. He doesn't understand the pain. I love this about the innocence of children. This has been a much needed ray of sunshine in our day. I'm so thankful for him. I'm not sure why God wanted to take our other 3 children from us. It is hard to understand but we chose to believe that this is His Will for our lives and we chose not to be bitter. We chose to seek him as we mourn, celebrate the gift of Thor and trust for better days ahead. One of the hardest parts is that it feels that just when we were wrapping our heads around having kids so close together the babies were taken just about that quickly.
I will follow up with more at a later time. This is about all I have to give tonight. I have a verse in my house that sits in front of my mirror in my bathroom. I read it as I get ready each morning. It reads, 'Trust in the Lord with ALL your heart and lean not on your own understanding.' Proverbs 3:5
Tonight we don't understand why this happened to us, we have cried, my body does hurt from the loss of our children and the recovery from the surgery....but we TRUST that the Lord has great plans and that our children are rejoicing in heaven with Him as we speak. Beautiful angels!
Prayers for us today would be amazingly appreciated. We thank those who were praying us through the day. We could feel a peace around us and know that came straight from God.
My other prayer request is for our Anaesthesiologist who 'put me under' for surgery today. He shared that he and his wife had lost twins to miscarriage just 6 months ago. He also shared that they have had 8 pregnancies and have two boys from all those pregnancies. He was filled with so much hurt and bitterness because of it. My heart hurts for him tonight. I don't know his name but I saw anger in his face and I pray God can get a hold of his heart. I can't imagine what he and his wife are going through but I could see that having us to connect with softened him a bit because he knew we could understand a bit of their pain. I was grateful that God put him in our path even in this difficult scenario.
Thanks for listening everyone. Back to resting. This momma is tired and sore.
We love you so much angel babies! -Love your Mommy and Daddy-
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