I debated writing this post today. I know I do not post a lot and I feel that my most recent posts (which were 7 months ago) were a little heavy. This one will be no different. I hope you are ok with this.
The only reason we continue to write about these things is to hopefully help someone else out there who feels alone in the pain and loneliness that comes along with miscarriage. My heart cannot bear to think about any mom or dad out there feeling alone in this particular pain. I say 'particular pain' because we have found there is nothing else quite like it as you are mourning a person that no one has met. This can be a very empty lonely place to be as it is very easy to feel alone and that nobody understands. I am here to tell you 'You are not alone'. There are many out there that want to love and support you through your loss. Michael and I are some of those people. We have been so blessed by the support we receive each time we work through the tragedy of our losses that our hearts want so badly to pass that on.
My heart is heavy and sad tonight to share that we lost another one of our babies to miscarriage today. It gets harder to write about these happenings because it hurts more with each time. I think people think that because you have gone through miscarriage before that it is simply easier to go through later.......that is not exactly true for Michael and I. The only thing that is 'easier' is that we know what to expect and there is less fear because of that. As far as the pain from the loss goes..... that most definitely does not get easier.
In fact, it has felt harder this time.
We have had 4 miscarriages in 3 pregnancies to date. We lost our first in baby July 2010, our twins in July of 2012 (they died at separate times), and our newest angel baby March of 2013. Ouch. It is hard for my mommy heart to see this written out. My sweet babies. We of course have our miracle- Mr. Thor Michael who we feel is God's richest and greatest blessing to our lives. We welcomed him February 2012. Oh how we love that miracle baby.
It all started this past January when we were thrilled to find out on a cold weekday morning that in fact we had a positive pregnancy test. We were thrilled. Because of my history with miscarriage we went in right away for progesterone and HCG level testing. All of those tests came back looking great. My progesterone was nice and high and my HCG levels more than doubled in 48 hours. Such a blessing. We went in for an ultrasound at 6 weeks and were thrilled to see a beautiful baby growing inside of me with a sweet little heartbeat. Again, so very thankful. They did some genetic testing on me this pregnancy to see if I have a blood clotting disorder that in some cases can cut off blood supply to the uterus that ultimately kills the baby because of lack of blood flow. They did find that I have one genetic mutation but the particular one that I have is not one that they feel contributes to miscarriage. We did however supplement extra folic acid and I took one baby aspirin per day to thin my blood a little to make sure it was getting to the baby. This was done as a precaution.
My pregnancy with this baby was very similar to Thor's. I am one of the lucky few women that does not seem to deal with a lot of sickness of any sort with any of my pregnancies. If I am nauseous, a snack or meal will remedy this almost immediately. The only symptom that shows up strongly for me is fatigue and extreme exhaustion. Needless to say, we have had a lot of early bed times in our house the last couple of months.
This past Sunday I was 9w3d and we were having a family day. After church decided to run errands and take Thor out and about including an outing to the Science Center so he could run off some energy. When we got home I found some brown spotting in my underwear. Although this was naturally concerning I have spotted in all of my pregnancies including Thor's. Brown spotting can be very normal in pregnancy but for me it has been both a sign of loss and simply just a pregnancy symptom so I tend to feel anxious whenever seeing it as I'm not sure what to expect next. Much to our sadness about 9pm Sunday night we found bright red blood in my underwear and in the toilet. We felt the fear creep in at that point. That fear that gets right down in your bones and sort of numbs you and makes you want to put up a wall to shield yourself from potential pain. I decided to wait it out through the night and call the doctor in the morning. We could have went into the ER but at this point there was nothing they could do to stop something like this from happening. So we waited.
The next morning they were able to work us into the U/S schedule. This is when our worst fear was confirmed. The sweet lifeless body of our newest child was right in front if us. It clearly had grown much bigger since the last time we saw it. We could really see that its legs and arms had grown and were protruding from its body. The only issue is that flicker of the heart was gone. The whole room was still and silent. Including the beautiful child in front of us. I dreaded hearing the words 'I'm sorry' come out of the Ultrasound Tech's mouth so I simply said, "I don't see it's heart beating'. She quickly confirmed that what I suspected was correct. The baby was only measuring 8w3d so we knew it had died the week before. The image of your lifeless child never gets easier to see. Never.
The doctors came in and we ultimately decided that having a D&C was the best option for us. Today at about 1pm I had my surgery to remove our sweet angel from my body. Michael and I had one of the most emotional experiences together before we left for the hospital today. We cried.... and then we cried some more.
There are times in our lives when it is so very hard to see God's purpose in such pain. We mourned today. We mourned harder than we ever have. We have experienced every emotion today from sadness to anger. But I can tell you in the end we find ourselves kneeling at the feet of Jesus asking Him to take this burden as it feels too heavy to bear. He has given us strength and peace during the sadest and darkest parts of today. He had been with us and holding our hands through it. Even though this hurts we still believe that God IS good ALL the time. We love Him and know that He has great plans for us and our family.
A friend shared the following verse with me today and it was so uplifting so I wanted to post it as a reminder to myself.
Peter 5:10 And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you.
Dear Lord, I am ready for your restoration, confirmation, strengthening and re-establishing of my tired feet. I know you can and I believe that you will.
So, were do we go from here?
They did take the baby and sent it into the lab for chromosomal testing. They are going to see if there was an issue there. If they do find chromosomal abnormalities in the baby they are offering Michael and I the chance to have genetic testing done on both him and I as it is possible that some of our genes essentially do not come together in the right way when we conceive our children therefore creating issues in the genetics of our babies that lead to miscarriage. If we decide to do this testing and ultimately find this to be the case there is nothing that we can do about it . It would simply explain why we have lost far more children than we have had. From a medical standpoint, they cannot find any other issues with me that could be associated with these losses.
That may sound like a good thing but it is frustrating at that same time. We pray for answers but know that sometimes God does not offer those to us. We simply need to rest in knowing that His will was done. Below is a verse we cling to right now.
Jeremiah 29:11-13 For I know that plans I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.
Please pray for our family in these coming weeks as we work through this latest loss that God's refining fire would bring us out of this a stronger family with a deeper faith.
As always- please reach out to us if you are dealing with, have dealt with, or know someone dealing with this. We would love to share what God has done for us in the midst of our grief. We don't have all the answers but we do have soft hearts and listening ears towards the subject of miscarriage as it is something that is far too familiar to us......it is so hard.
You can reach us at daniellestensrud@gmail.com.
I am very weak and tired so I am going to get some rest. Thanks again to our friends and family that have prayed us through this day. We know God has given us peace and strength today otherwise we probably would not have made it out in one piece. We really love you!
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