The Dark Cloud

This post is going to be the most honest and raw post I have ever written.  It is a post that no mother wants to write or even outwardly admit to.....but it is the truth.  It is my truth and God has been pulling on my heartstrings to be honest and share my journey with you.  So I am.  This post is not meant to discourage but to encourage someone out there who might have gone through, might be going through, or may eventually go through a situation like my own at some point in their lives.  This experience impacted me so much that I can't keep from sharing it.  My prayer is that it encourages even one person out there. 

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.  Corinthians 12: 9-10

If you don't follow our family blog I would encourage you to go back and read our story of bringing Thor into this world.  I spent 8 weeks on bed rest before having him....most of that time being highly restricted to keep my body from going into labor. Basically, whenever I was upright I would dilate and the only way to stop this laying on a couch 24/7.

We were so grateful that God heard the cries of Michael and I as well as so many others with prayers that I would remain pregnant long enough for our baby to grow healthy and strong.  God answered our prayers and at 37 weeks on February 1st, 2012, I gave birth to a beautiful, healthy, and perfect little boy, Thor Michael Stensrud.

You may think this story ends here with Thor, Michael and I skipping into the sunset as a brand new family in a kind of 'Happy Ever After' sort of fashion.  Wrong. 

To be honest, this is how I imagined our story ending when I had hours and hours to ponder it on bed rest. 

It all began to happen about 4-5 days after Thor was born.  An intense 'Dark Cloud' came over me.  I couldn't find the light in my days.  Everything felt dark and lonely.  I was exhausted, overwhelmed and empty.  Yes, it's true.  I remember trying to figure out what was wrong with me.  I would look at Thor sometimes and I didn't know what to do with him.  He would cry and I would feel anxiety creeping into me.  It was an overwhelming feeling.  I found myself feeling ill equipped and like I couldn't do it.

He was waking up every two hours like clockwork to eat.  Breastfeeding didn't work out for me but I was determined to try and pump.  The routine of bottle feeding (which took 30-40 minutes at that time) followed but 20 minutes of pumping gave me approximately 45 minutes before I had to start the routine all over again.  This was making me feel suffocated.  My body was also barely producing milk.  This too made me feel anxious.  I felt that only the good mothers produced milk.  What did this make me?  Why couldn't I be everything to my son like a mother was supposed to?  This lead to tears almost every time I pumped.  I hated pumping because it hurt and I desperately longed to be done..... but I didn't know how quitting would reflect on me.  I was afraid I was giving up to easily.

A few days pass. 

My 'Dark Cloud' was still lingering. The rigorous cycle of raising a newborn was so exhausting and wearing on me. 

At this time it was getting closer to Michael going back to work.  This really freaked me out.  I didn't know what I would do without him and the AMAZING support he was for me. Having Michael home the week after Thor came home was so wonderful.  I cried daily imagining him going back to work.  I wasn't sure I could do it without him.

My 'Dark Cloud' was getting to me enough at this point that I started to believe that Thor was going to be the ticket to ruining Michael and I's solid marriage.  The rational side of me kept saying 'your crazy....of course that isn't true' but I couldn't fight the feelings.  I felt like I needed to tell Michael I loved him multiple times per day just in case he forgot...... We had been married for 4.5 years and were used to doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted.  The fact that it couldn't be like that anymore all of a sudden scared me. This may sound completely crazy but it's the truth.  I would cry almost every night he came home from work because I was so relieved to see him.  I remember hearing the door open and having the urge to run to him.  He was my 'normal' my 'comfortable' and I longed for him to be near me because he made me feel better when he was simply in my presence.  My heart felt like it was bursting with love for Michael but my heart felt distant from my beautiful newborn baby. Guilt. 

Even though I was with Thor all day everyday, I felt distant from him.  I couldn't totally connect.  He felt like a guest in my house.  It was kind of like I was waiting for his real parents to come and pick him up......Oh wait, I was not babysitting.  This was my child.  More Guilt. 

How could a new mother ever feel this way?  I fought and fought to try and get these thoughts to go away. 

Michael was my rock through all of this.  He never made me feel crazy even when I thought I was.  He would simply tell me.  'We will get through this.'  We just need to let God lead us through it.  We prayed a lot and had a lot of prayers coming from our family and friends. They were so awesome to us. 

It was at this time that Michael told me one night, 'It's time to be done pumping, there is nothing wrong with formula feeding Thor.'  You do not need to feel bad this decision either.
Those words were just what I needed to hear.  I needed someone to tell me it was 'ok'.  I mainly needed Michael to say those words to me.....out loud and unprompted.  When he said these words I was relieved.  I quit pumping right then and there.  In complete honestly,  I really didn't have that much guilt once we made that decision to stop because I was sooo much happier with that stress lifted from me.  And, Thor LOVED his bottle, thank goodness. 

About 2 1/2 weeks after I had Thor things were not getting better even after quitting pumping (although that was a great step in getting rid of some of my anxieties).   My dark cloud was still there.  I had heard of women having the 'Baby Blues' but typically those started getting better where I felt like mine were getting worse.  Up until this point I had written my strange feelings off as 'the blues' but I was starting to wonder if it wasn't something more. I started researching things as I was desperate to feel like myself again. 

Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread, for it is the Lord your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you.  Deuteronomy 31:6

I had a doctors appointment that week and I decided it was time to tell my doctor the truth.  So I told/admitted to her that, 'I think I have Postpartum Depression/Anxiety'.  Wheww.  Those were hard words to say but so freeing at the same time.  I was ready for help.

After discussing my situation with my Doctor, she agreed that it sounded like I was experiencing postpartum issues. 

Although I do not believe the course of action we chose for me is right for everyone, we did decide to have me start on some depression medication to assist me in leveling out my hormones.  The doctor assured me that this was quite common and that I need not feel bad about it.  I told her I just wanted to be the best wife and mom but my anxiety/depression were not allowing this.  Medication is not something she thought I would need to be on long term.  The medicine would just help my hormones and body level out and get me feeling back to myself faster.

I want to mention that I have never felt feelings like these before.  The depression and feelings of anxiety were new to me.  They were terrible. 

I never imagined that the child we had prayed for would ever be the source of my anxieties.  He was just a tiny baby. It was not that I didn't love Thor.  I was just so overwhelmed by everything.

The medication we chose took a few weeks to kick in.  Things did not get better right away but when Thor hit about 6 weeks I remember starting to feel a new sense of confidence come over me.  I felt like I was beginning to get it (being a mother that is).  I knew what his cries meant, I knew how to sooth him, we were connecting.  And although he had moments of colic, it didn't stress me out.  My heart began to swell with love for my son.  I was truly falling in love and the realities of motherhood felt sooo good not overwhelming anymore....not like a burden.  My cloud began lifting.  I could feel the rays of light coming back into my heart.  I was now crying tears of joy and thanksgiving.     

I am so happy to report that I am doing awesome now!  It's so crazy for me to think back to those hard days.  It has been a little gut wrenching thinking back on those days as I feel like I missed out a little on the wonderful moments of having a new baby.  But God was growing me and teaching me so much through this situation and utlimately I believe that this difficult season will make me a better mom in the end.

Thor was about 8ish weeks old when I really began to feel like my true self again. 

Motherhood is the hardest job I have ever had but also the most rewarding thing I have ever done.  I would not trade it for the world and I long to be mother to more children if God so chooses (this was a big step for me because during those dark times I thought I could only handle one child).

Thor is such a blessing to us.  He challenges us, he has taught us how to be more unselfish, and he brings so much laughter into our household.  He has helped us view the world through a whole new lens.  We love him with a part of our hearts that we didn't know existed before he came into our lives. It has also drawn Michael and I closer than ever.  This is the exact opposite of what my postpardum depression was trying to convince me of.  Michael and I always worked well as a team just the two of us.  But we have became and even better team as parents. We share all the responibilies of parenting and support each other when we are having hard days.  It is such a blessing to share this experience with him.  Thor is such a gift and a symbol of our love for each other.  God is so good.

I decided to share this story with you because I felt so alone in the midst of my postpartum depression and anxiety.  I felt so very guilty for feeling the way I did.  I hated that I couldn't fight the feelings.  The more I talked with people about my situation the more I realized that so many women have gone through it...... but I had no idea.  This is why I wanted to make my story public.  Hopefully to encourage someone else out there.  I am an open book and willing to talk more to anyone who may feel the need.  All I can tell you is that if you are going through this or have gone through this you ARE NOT alone.  You are still a wonderful mother and things WILL get better. 

You can reach me anytime at my email which is daniellestensrud@gmail.com.  Sometimes just having another mom to connect with makes ALL the difference in the world.  Feel free to message me anytime.

With Mother's Day approaching I was doing some reflecting and realized that since becoming a mother I have began to love my own mother in a different way.  I now understand the sacrifices she made and continues to make for me to give me such a wonderful life.  I am so lucky to have her as my mom.  I can only hope that I can be that for Thor.  I'm going to try my hardest.  She is a hard working, God fearing, passionate women and I love all those things about her.  She helped lead me to Jesus and that is something I can never thank her enough for.  She is also one of my best friends.   

Being a mother is the most wonderful earthly gift I've been given outside of my husband. Motherhood is not glamorous most of the time but that is ok.  It brings so much joy.  I can't wait to continue this journey and watch our son grow.  I'm so so grateful.